The "Realness" of God

I've been pretty quiet on this blog lately, for a few reasons. One of them being wondering if I've posted too many personal things. Another being time. Another being I'm just not sure what to write about.



I decided on the first reason, that yes, I've posted some really, really personal, usually private details that I would generally not share with unknown people. At the same time, those things are my life. When disecting it down into "right" and "wrong" (I'm a very black and white thinker), posting those details is not "wrong". I go back and forth on whether its wise or not. But I've found bloggin about the personal, awful details that I can't seem to talk about...blogging is helpful. So I may be back to blogging.



One of the big, big things I've been struggling with lately is the "realness" of God. I profess (though somtimes skeptically, sometimes doubtfully) to be an evangelical Christian. I believe (OK, sometimes try very hard to believe) that God is real, that he did indeed come to earth in human form, that that human lived, died, and was raised bodily to life again. His death was the penalty for my sin - my imperfections, my deceptions, all my wrongdoing on this earth. Justice for those wrong things was fulfilled by Christ's sufferings on the cross.



I am loved by God himself. Personally loved. Exactly as I am. Not just as one of a group that God loves - God does indeed love all of humanity. But he loves each of us individually as well, not just as a "species".



That's a huge thing to really, really BELIEVE. And to live like you believe it. I fail multiple times every day to remember that. To remember that God himself, the Creator of the universe, of the stars and the mountains, of quantum physics, and the author of the laws of nature - loves me.



I also (am supposed to) believe that God's hand is in the small details of our lives. ("All things work together for good for those who believe", "every hair on our head is counted") When I am calm, and when I really think about it, and don't just mindlessly react to circumstances, I can see that this is true. I see evidence of God's hand and God's love in some of the big things in my life and also in the small things.



Trusting a God I can't see, who doesn't speak in an audible voice directly to me, is very, very hard sometimes. Even believing he exists is so very hard sometimes. I have told my God this many, many times over the last months. How much I struggle in believing, and even more so trusting in him, when I can't see him. It feels sometimes that I may as well put my faith in the Tooth Fairy, that God is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.



The thing that is the difference for me, is the calmness and peace that often comes over my spirit and my mind when I pray and when I read the Bible. I recognize it as something from outside of myself ("the peace that surpasses all understanding").

I will have to finish this later - small boys are crying/fighting.

Overheard

My boys are getting to the age where they are actually interacting with each other. Half the time this is great - wild laughter and giggles. Other half not so great - wild screaming and crying.

I love watching them grow up.

MckMama posted the other day about the crazy things that can come out of a mother's mouth. My favorite thing I overheard myself say this week:

No, real firemen wear underpants.

Where ya from?

I may have posted about this before, but I am too lazy....er,tired....to look back through and see.

Here in my part of the Northeast, we apparently have unique words for everyday things. I found this out when I joined the Army and met people from the South, and later went to school in the Midwest.

For example, here where I live, we throw on our sneakers and go out for grinders and sodas. If my kids are tired of PB&J, I may make them a fluffernutter instead. If it's not white, then its not clam chowder, and a lobster roll is lobster on bread. Otherwise, let's call it a lobster salad sandwich. On a cold winter's night, I love to make a casserole for dinner.

My pals from the South would have po-boys and Cokes. (Any kind of Coke you want - orange, root beer, cola....) In the Midwest, my friends'll take off their tennis shoes and sit down to a nice hot dish dinner with maybe a pop to drink. Nobody's ever heard of marshmallow fluff, and they'll think you're a little nutty if you mention a "fluffernutter".

Autism tendencies

Big Nut's autism has been on the back burner a lot this past year, as with everything else going on, it slid down the priority list. (I just call it "autism, even though technically it's PDD-NOS, which won't matter soon because PDD-NOS won't even be an official diagnosis ...)

But I often get a slightly anxious feeling that I am not paying enough attention to managing Big Nut and helping with a few of his special "quirks". Pretty much everything you read about autism states that the time to help is NOW, preschool age, and I have justbeen too busy/stressed/tired/overwhelmed...

A few things that have caught my attention:

• There is some kind os disconnect in Big Nut's brain between a word's meaning and its sound and how he sees it. We were playing with Scrabble letters some time ago. Big Nut was having fun trying to name them. I forget what the exact letters were, but a couple of them he kept calling "B" (I think it was the "m" and the "v", along with the "B".) Another couple letters he was calling "D". No matter how many times I corrected him, he kept naming them the wrong way. He wasn't trying to be silly - he looked genuinely perplexed that it wasn't the letter he was saying. When I lined them all up on the table and told him to point out each one ("Which one is "M", Big Nut?), he got it right every single time. Switch back to him naming them, and he can't do it.

• He still needs constant direction and supervision. Left to himself, he simply gets into things. Emptying Q-tip boxes, tearing up cardboard, etc. He still doesn't really play with toys appropriately for his age, and not for a sustained amount of time even then. His little brother can play in the basement playroom by humself for 30 minutes to an hour without supervision. Big Nut is not allowed to because he simply gets into things he's not supposed to. I really don't think he means to, he simply doesn't know how to entertain himself. (And, yes, he still receives discipline for getting into what he's not supposed to. )

• Most people don't see these things because most people are around Big Nut in fairly structured environments (school, Sunday school, etc.). He does quite well with lots and lots and lots of structure. I don't have the resources to provide that much structure at home, but worse, I need to teach him, as he gets older, to provide structure for himself, and I just don't know how I'm going to do that.

• Speech is still tough for Big Nut - he often sounds like he's mumbling. Luckily, he seems happy to keep trying to get it right and really works hard for his "high fives" for correct pronunciation.

• Social skills are also a little off for my Big Nut. How do you teach appropriate social skills? Most people instictually know not to speak 1 inch from someone's face, and if they didn't, the other person's reaction would let them klnow to back up. Big Nut doesn't always know and doesn't "get" body language communication.

These are all things that I'm aware of and know I should be in some way helping with, but don't always know how, and even when I do know how, may not have the time or resources.

Frustrating.

I've been rehabilitated!

So an "amusing" thing happened last month...

I got a notice in the mail from the DMV stating that my CDL was being suspended. We were outside waiting for the bus, so I just skimmed it quickly and assumed that there was a glitch frm the ticket I had gotten in October....maybe my fine hadn't been processed or something. (As review, this is where I had to pay a (pretty big) fine for not "warning" the other bus drivers that I was about to drop off students because I did not turn on my amber "warning lights". Now, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if you saw a school bus pull up in front of a school (in the bus drop off lane, no less) with kids on board in the morning, ummm, would you be shocked and surprised to discover that that bus is dropping off said children?! Or do you need further warning?)

Nonetheless, I did indeed violate state statute 14-227, and duly got a money order (2 days pay!) and sent it in.

Well, it wasn't that they didn't process my fine. Instead of entering the violation as 14-227 "amber light violation" the clerk entered it as 14-277, which sadly for me, is DWI.

SO, not only was my CDL suspended, my regular license was suspended, my public service endorsement was suspended, and I was required to enter a substance abuse program. (Irony, anyone?) And, ahem, in true DMV style....all correspondence must be done through the mail.

It all ended okay - when I went down to the courthouse to get a copy of the "conviction", the lovely clerk realized there was no conviction, contacted the DMV on my behalf, and, shockingly, given that 2 government agencies were involved, had it fixed on the spot.

There is nothing like taking a 2 year old and 4 year old through the metal detector at the courthouse. They did enjoy being "wanded" for weapons, and, given the family background, I tried to convince them it is much more fun being the search-er as opposed to the search-ee. (I don't think they bought it...)

The Year in Review

Oy....do I really want to do this year in review?

Well, now that it's over, sure. Here's hoping next year is better....

2009 has been, by far, the worst year of my life. It was full of multiple traumas and huge, unwanted change and loss. I in no way want to minimize how painful the past year has been...but I also find it helpful to see the silver lining. Silver linings are far more precious when they are gleaned from the blackest clouds.

So here is 2009:

In January I was hit with the upsetting news that my oldest, Big Nut, has an autism disorder. As upsetting as it is, I can't describe the relief and comfort in knowing that the "little" things I see are real, and that I am not crazy. It's also been a blessing to read about autism and find ways of managing and coping and encouraging Big Nut.

In February, T lost his job. He was "laid off", but it was really a firing in disguise. I thought his bosses were unfair in "firinf" him without cause. I now know they were being merciful by allowing him to collect unemployment.

Through March and April, things were crumbling financially, and I was seeing huge cracks in our marriage. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I finally decided to take my Nuts and spend a few days with my dad. The light went on as soon as I was gone - T was using drugs again, and lying...and all the other horrible selfish things that addicts do.

This was, I think, the worst event, and I've often wondered "Why?!" But then I think of what our lives would be like if we'd never left. It's a blessing living with my dad and being out of a horrible situation like that. It's a blessing being able to see, from a distance, how horrible things were, and to be thankful they're not like that now.

In late May my father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer and 6 weeks later he was gone. It was hard.

Over the summer, T had a heart attack from using cocaine, and a second heart attack as a result of complications from the first one. He nearly died, and it didn't change anything, really. He doesn't use drugs, but there is no other change - he still lies, he's still selfish, and he still truly believes he's been victimized in multple ways. He has been victimized, but only by himself.

I went back to work as a school bus driver. Day to day life is extremely difficult and exhausting. I'm still learning to cope, and I have got to do a better job asking for help. I am blessed to see how many people, particularly in my church, have offered and been there to help.

The thing that I am most grateful about this year, though, is that it's OVER!!!!!

2010 is a brand new year, and a brand new decade and a great time to start a new life...I'm really, really looking forward to it....

Hope your 2009 was good, and I wish you a blessed, fantastic, dreams-coming-true 2010!

Will you be my friend?

At my women's Bible study, we just finished a study by Tara Barthel about peacemaking in relationships, i.e. how to live out the gospel in relationships. (When I see "we", I really mean "they" - I sort of chickened out through most of it because well, I really don't want to look too closely at the state of many of my relationships....)

Anyhow, today was the last video session, and I swear she filmed it just for me. I was convicted at several points, and at one point she was talking about women involved in extremely difficult marriages, and how she has seen these women live out the gospel in those relationships (details, Tara!!! I need details!!!). I actually had tunnel vision when she was saying that - everything around me, except the images on the screen, literally went black.

It makes me wonder if maybe, just maybe, my relationship with (let's call him T, because DH just isn't doing it anymore) T can be better than it is now, if for no other reason than the sake of our kids and the glory of God (and I probably should have reversed that order).

But every time I think along these lines, I run smack up against the issue of trust. T has broken trust on so many levels, in so many ways, over such a long time - I don't know how to handle that. I continue to see no evidence that he is trustworthy, and see some things that indicate he is untrustworthy. I'm talking from the little things ("I'll pick up the boys on Tuesday", but then decides since they have colds, he "can't afford to get sick") to the big ("I really love you and the boys" Love doesn't look or act the way T does.)

Every relationship needs to have some level of trust. I don't know how to resolve conflict with a person I don't trust. You need to believe that they are making an honest effort and speaking truth. Otherwise, conversation is just noise in the wind. Anyhow, stuck there. The only hing I'm able to do right now is pray, but I'm not sure what I should be praying for.

Anyway, I'm WAY off topic here. Tara went on in the video to talk about friendship...and I'll have to finish this post tomorrow or I'll be up all night.