It's funny what you think you know about marriage before you get married...what you think you know when you get married...after you've been married awhile.
I think I've learned the most about marriage in the last few weeks than I have in my other almost 7 married years.
It seems folks toss the "D" word around so carelessly, so easily nowadays.
Snippets of marriage:
Signing the blood transfusion paperwork. Signing the open heart surgery paperwork. Making the life and death decisions for another person. Literally life and death.
Holding the hand, watching the monitors. Saying good-bye as they wheel him away. (20% chance he won't make it out alive...)
Putting together the photo collage...my husband's favorite photo (our oldest's tiny hand wrapped around my husband's ginormous thumb on Big Nut's first day of life). My favorite photo of my husband. He's holding our oldest in the Snugli a couple weeks later. It's my favorite of DH because of his eyes - they're unguarded, open.....why didn't I notice when his eyes changed?
I realized in the last few weeks that I deeply, deeply love my husband. He had a second heart attack just four days after he was released from the hospital. We had just met at a fast food place so he could see the kids. It was nice...DH was pale but relaxed. He called during the drive home to say that he was driving to the ER and could I meet him there. I dropped the kids off with my dad and by the time I got there they'd already shocked his heart once, put him on life support and called for the helicopter to take him to a bigger hospital.
It was awful when he was unconscious that week. It's just as hard now that he's doing (physically) well and is home (with his mom, while the boys and I are living with my dad). I realized that I may love my husband deeply. but I really don't like him much at all. He's self-centered and full of self pity. I have heard not a word of genuine remorse for what his decisions have cost our family.
What kind of sane woman would NOT consider divorce? My husband is an addict...a narcissist who is completely irresponsible. A liar and a man who spent our grocery money on drugs when our kids were out of milk.
And, yet.....I believe in God and the miracles he works. I've seen the miracle in me, when I learn to get down on my knees and out of my own way. Christ DOES make you a new creation. But you have to turn to Him. I don't believe my husband has yet.
I will never, ever go back to my husband unless I can see the new man, and hear the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear that it is safe to be there. Right now, when I listen, I hear "Be still.....just wait."
It's tough to hear how seemingly casually some people toss the "divorce" word around. ("Well, Grumpy, you've already wasted seven years of your life...don't waste the rest!" As if birthing my children and honoring vows were a waste...mmmhhh.) Yes, it would be much easier on me in the short term to divorce DH. But then what? He's still the Nuts' dad. How do you just cut out your closest family member as if he didn't exist? His brother isn't going to say. "Yeah, you're not my brother anymore."
I do sort of take the "till death do us part" part seriously. So while I have none, zero, zilch intentions of going back to him until I see and know he is, in fact, a different man, I also don't intend to divorce. At least not anytime soon.
My question to you is, am I nuts?
Please feel free to answer honestly.
4 hours ago
3 comments:
I don't think it is a decision you have to make today. As long as you take steps--legal separation, maybe? to protect yourself and the kids you have plenty of time to sort things out later.
I did have one friend in a similar situation as yours and when the dust settled years later she really wished she had gotten out at the point you are at. If he truly is a narcissist he will never put you and the kids ahead of his own wants--that was the case in my friend's marriage.
Good luck--what a trying time you are going through.
Your post is thoughtful and passionate. I can feel exactly what you are feeling. I have been there too. It took me 2 years of living with daily abuse to finally say enough and say good-bye. I loved him so much. But if your spouse is acting the way you say he is he doesn't love you. It took me forever to realize that. Once you are divorced you can move on and find a different kind of happiness. Your son will survive. He will grow. It doesn't mean your husband isn't his father. I wish I'd divorced earlier too. Sometimes we want something so bad we imagine that we are meant to stay...even when it's time to go.
It's my belief (as a divorced woman) that not every marriage is brought together by God. Sometimes it's just our own wrong-headedness, or lack of experience. And frankly, the God I know wants me to be happy and to model a good spousal relationship for my kids --it's something I never got to see and thus led me to some bad decisions. Having said that, I think what you're doing in really listening for the will of God is the key.
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