Happy Birthday, Mom

Today would have been my mom's 58th birthday. She passed away of leukemia at 49. There's a big difference between 49 and 58, and I wonder what my mom would have been like now had she lived.

I wonder what kind of grandma she would have been...what kind of mom to me as a mom...what her and my dad would have done once we were all out of the house. (course, I'm back IN the house.... :-) Though if she hadn't died, I wouldn't have met my husband, or had my boys, or BE back in the house...)

I also never know whether to mention these milestones or not to family. Are they thinking about it like I am? I'm not obsessing or anything, and this year on the anniversary of her death, I didn't even remember until the next day. Is that normal?

It's funny, too. I'm the spitting image of my mom practically. My mannerisms are the same, the way I speak is the same, even the way I walk and sit. My mother lost her mom as a very young adult, also, and sometimes I feel like if I ever want to know what my mom would have thought about something, I just have to figure out what I think about it. (though that's not the case in every situation.)

My mom was a fantastic person. Very, very honest and moral and practical and smart. Like me, she didn't always feel comfortable in social situations. If you got her one on one or with a small, close group of friends, she could be very, very funny. I sometimes feel like I'm forgetting her. Or maybe not so much forgetting as not remembering everything. Cafeteria-style memories, if you will. I still find it so painful to remember sometimes that I'm losing some of the memories. Or only remembering part....

Anyway...happy birthday, Mom. We sure do miss you around here.