The Year in Review

Oy....do I really want to do this year in review?

Well, now that it's over, sure. Here's hoping next year is better....

2009 has been, by far, the worst year of my life. It was full of multiple traumas and huge, unwanted change and loss. I in no way want to minimize how painful the past year has been...but I also find it helpful to see the silver lining. Silver linings are far more precious when they are gleaned from the blackest clouds.

So here is 2009:

In January I was hit with the upsetting news that my oldest, Big Nut, has an autism disorder. As upsetting as it is, I can't describe the relief and comfort in knowing that the "little" things I see are real, and that I am not crazy. It's also been a blessing to read about autism and find ways of managing and coping and encouraging Big Nut.

In February, T lost his job. He was "laid off", but it was really a firing in disguise. I thought his bosses were unfair in "firinf" him without cause. I now know they were being merciful by allowing him to collect unemployment.

Through March and April, things were crumbling financially, and I was seeing huge cracks in our marriage. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I finally decided to take my Nuts and spend a few days with my dad. The light went on as soon as I was gone - T was using drugs again, and lying...and all the other horrible selfish things that addicts do.

This was, I think, the worst event, and I've often wondered "Why?!" But then I think of what our lives would be like if we'd never left. It's a blessing living with my dad and being out of a horrible situation like that. It's a blessing being able to see, from a distance, how horrible things were, and to be thankful they're not like that now.

In late May my father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer and 6 weeks later he was gone. It was hard.

Over the summer, T had a heart attack from using cocaine, and a second heart attack as a result of complications from the first one. He nearly died, and it didn't change anything, really. He doesn't use drugs, but there is no other change - he still lies, he's still selfish, and he still truly believes he's been victimized in multple ways. He has been victimized, but only by himself.

I went back to work as a school bus driver. Day to day life is extremely difficult and exhausting. I'm still learning to cope, and I have got to do a better job asking for help. I am blessed to see how many people, particularly in my church, have offered and been there to help.

The thing that I am most grateful about this year, though, is that it's OVER!!!!!

2010 is a brand new year, and a brand new decade and a great time to start a new life...I'm really, really looking forward to it....

Hope your 2009 was good, and I wish you a blessed, fantastic, dreams-coming-true 2010!