The Grumpy Momma

The "Realness" of God

2010-07-05T19:46:00.003-04:00

I've been pretty quiet on this blog lately, for a few reasons. One of them being wondering if I've posted too many personal things. Another being time. Another being I'm just not sure what to write about.

I decided on the first reason, that yes, I've posted some really, really personal, usually private details that I would generally not share with unknown people. At the same time, those things are my life. When disecting it down into "right" and "wrong" (I'm a very black and white thinker), posting those details is not "wrong". I go back and forth on whether its wise or not. But I've found bloggin about the personal, awful details that I can't seem to talk about...blogging is helpful. So I may be back to blogging.

One of the big, big things I've been struggling with lately is the "realness" of God. I profess (though somtimes skeptically, sometimes doubtfully) to be an evangelical Christian. I believe (OK, sometimes try very hard to believe) that God is real, that he did indeed come to earth in human form, that that human lived, died, and was raised bodily to life again. His death was the penalty for my sin - my imperfections, my deceptions, all my wrongdoing on this earth. Justice for those wrong things was fulfilled by Christ's sufferings on the cross.

I am loved by God himself. Personally loved. Exactly as I am. Not just as one of a group that God loves - God does indeed love all of humanity. But he loves each of us individually as well, not just as a "species".

That's a huge thing to really, really BELIEVE. And to live like you believe it. I fail multiple times every day to remember that. To remember that God himself, the Creator of the universe, of the stars and the mountains, of quantum physics, and the author of the laws of nature - loves me.

I also (am supposed to) believe that God's hand is in the small details of our lives. ("All things work together for good for those who believe", "every hair on our head is counted") When I am calm, and when I really think about it, and don't just mindlessly react to circumstances, I can see that this is true. I see evidence of God's hand and God's love in some of the big things in my life and also in the small things.

Trusting a God I can't see, who doesn't speak in an audible voice directly to me, is very, very hard sometimes. Even believing he exists is so very hard sometimes. I have told my God this many, many times over the last months. How much I struggle in believing, and even more so trusting in him, when I can't see him. It feels sometimes that I may as well put my faith in the Tooth Fairy, that God is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

The thing that is the difference for me, is the calmness and peace that often comes over my spirit and my mind when I pray and when I read the Bible. I recognize it as something from outside of myself ("the peace that surpasses all understanding").

I will have to finish this later - small boys are crying/fighting.

Overheard

2010-04-27T05:30:00.002-04:00

My boys are getting to the age where they are actually interacting with each other. Half the time this is great - wild laughter and giggles. Other half not so great - wild screaming and crying.

I love watching them grow up.

MckMama posted the other day about the crazy things that can come out of a mother's mouth. My favorite thing I overheard myself say this week:

No, real firemen wear underpants.

Where ya from?

2010-01-04T12:26:00.001-05:00

I may have posted about this before, but I am too lazy....er,tired....to look back through and see.

Here in my part of the Northeast, we apparently have unique words for everyday things. I found this out when I joined the Army and met people from the South, and later went to school in the Midwest.

For example, here where I live, we throw on our sneakers and go out for grinders and sodas. If my kids are tired of PB&J, I may make them a fluffernutter instead. If it's not white, then its not clam chowder, and a lobster roll is lobster on bread. Otherwise, let's call it a lobster salad sandwich. On a cold winter's night, I love to make a casserole for dinner.

My pals from the South would have po-boys and Cokes. (Any kind of Coke you want - orange, root beer, cola....) In the Midwest, my friends'll take off their tennis shoes and sit down to a nice hot dish dinner with maybe a pop to drink. Nobody's ever heard of marshmallow fluff, and they'll think you're a little nutty if you mention a "fluffernutter".

Autism tendencies

2010-01-03T12:03:00.000-05:00

Big Nut's autism has been on the back burner a lot this past year, as with everything else going on, it slid down the priority list. (I just call it "autism, even though technically it's PDD-NOS, which won't matter soon because PDD-NOS won't even be an official diagnosis ...)

But I often get a slightly anxious feeling that I am not paying enough attention to managing Big Nut and helping with a few of his special "quirks". Pretty much everything you read about autism states that the time to help is NOW, preschool age, and I have justbeen too busy/stressed/tired/overwhelmed...

A few things that have caught my attention:

There is some kind os disconnect in Big Nut's brain between a word's meaning and its sound and how he sees it. We were playing with Scrabble letters some time ago. Big Nut was having fun trying to name them. I forget what the exact letters were, but a couple of them he kept calling "B" (I think it was the "m" and the "v", along with the "B".) Another couple letters he was calling "D". No matter how many times I corrected him, he kept naming them the wrong way. He wasn't trying to be silly - he looked genuinely perplexed that it wasn't the letter he was saying. When I lined them all up on the table and told him to point out each one ("Which one is "M", Big Nut?), he got it right every single time. Switch back to him naming them, and he can't do it.

He still needs constant direction and supervision. Left to himself, he simply gets into things. Emptying Q-tip boxes, tearing up cardboard, etc. He still doesn't really play with toys appropriately for his age, and not for a sustained amount of time even then. His little brother can play in the basement playroom by humself for 30 minutes to an hour without supervision. Big Nut is not allowed to because he simply gets into things he's not supposed to. I really don't think he means to, he simply doesn't know how to entertain himself. (And, yes, he still receives discipline for getting into what he's not supposed to. )

Most people don't see these things because most people are around Big Nut in fairly structured environments (school, Sunday school, etc.). He does quite well with lots and lots and lots of structure. I don't have the resources to provide that much structure at home, but worse, I need to teach him, as he gets older, to provide structure for himself, and I just don't know how I'm going to do that.

Speech is still tough for Big Nut - he often sounds like he's mumbling. Luckily, he seems happy to keep trying to get it right and really works hard for his "high fives" for correct pronunciation.

Social skills are also a little off for my Big Nut. How do you teach appropriate social skills? Most people instictually know not to speak 1 inch from someone's face, and if they didn't, the other person's reaction would let them klnow to back up. Big Nut doesn't always know and doesn't "get" body language communication.

These are all things that I'm aware of and know I should be in some way helping with, but don't always know how, and even when I do know how, may not have the time or resources.

Frustrating.

I've been rehabilitated!

2010-01-02T08:24:00.002-05:00

So an "amusing" thing happened last month...

I got a notice in the mail from the DMV stating that my CDL was being suspended. We were outside waiting for the bus, so I just skimmed it quickly and assumed that there was a glitch frm the ticket I had gotten in October....maybe my fine hadn't been processed or something. (As review, this is where I had to pay a (pretty big) fine for not "warning" the other bus drivers that I was about to drop off students because I did not turn on my amber "warning lights". Now, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if you saw a school bus pull up in front of a school (in the bus drop off lane, no less) with kids on board in the morning, ummm, would you be shocked and surprised to discover that that bus is dropping off said children?! Or do you need further warning?)

Nonetheless, I did indeed violate state statute 14-227, and duly got a money order (2 days pay!) and sent it in.

Well, it wasn't that they didn't process my fine. Instead of entering the violation as 14-227 "amber light violation" the clerk entered it as 14-277, which sadly for me, is DWI.

SO, not only was my CDL suspended, my regular license was suspended, my public service endorsement was suspended, and I was required to enter a substance abuse program. (Irony, anyone?) And, ahem, in true DMV style....all correspondence must be done through the mail.

It all ended okay - when I went down to the courthouse to get a copy of the "conviction", the lovely clerk realized there was no conviction, contacted the DMV on my behalf, and, shockingly, given that 2 government agencies were involved, had it fixed on the spot.

There is nothing like taking a 2 year old and 4 year old through the metal detector at the courthouse. They did enjoy being "wanded" for weapons, and, given the family background, I tried to convince them it is much more fun being the search-er as opposed to the search-ee. (I don't think they bought it...)

The Year in Review

2010-01-01T14:26:00.002-05:00

Oy....do I really want to do this year in review?

Well, now that it's over, sure. Here's hoping next year is better....

2009 has been, by far, the worst year of my life. It was full of multiple traumas and huge, unwanted change and loss. I in no way want to minimize how painful the past year has been...but I also find it helpful to see the silver lining. Silver linings are far more precious when they are gleaned from the blackest clouds.

So here is 2009:

In January I was hit with the upsetting news that my oldest, Big Nut, has an autism disorder. As upsetting as it is, I can't describe the relief and comfort in knowing that the "little" things I see are real, and that I am not crazy. It's also been a blessing to read about autism and find ways of managing and coping and encouraging Big Nut.

In February, T lost his job. He was "laid off", but it was really a firing in disguise. I thought his bosses were unfair in "firinf" him without cause. I now know they were being merciful by allowing him to collect unemployment.

Through March and April, things were crumbling financially, and I was seeing huge cracks in our marriage. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I finally decided to take my Nuts and spend a few days with my dad. The light went on as soon as I was gone - T was using drugs again, and lying...and all the other horrible selfish things that addicts do.

This was, I think, the worst event, and I've often wondered "Why?!" But then I think of what our lives would be like if we'd never left. It's a blessing living with my dad and being out of a horrible situation like that. It's a blessing being able to see, from a distance, how horrible things were, and to be thankful they're not like that now.

In late May my father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer and 6 weeks later he was gone. It was hard.

Over the summer, T had a heart attack from using cocaine, and a second heart attack as a result of complications from the first one. He nearly died, and it didn't change anything, really. He doesn't use drugs, but there is no other change - he still lies, he's still selfish, and he still truly believes he's been victimized in multple ways. He has been victimized, but only by himself.

I went back to work as a school bus driver. Day to day life is extremely difficult and exhausting. I'm still learning to cope, and I have got to do a better job asking for help. I am blessed to see how many people, particularly in my church, have offered and been there to help.

The thing that I am most grateful about this year, though, is that it's OVER!!!!!

2010 is a brand new year, and a brand new decade and a great time to start a new life...I'm really, really looking forward to it....

Hope your 2009 was good, and I wish you a blessed, fantastic, dreams-coming-true 2010!

Will you be my friend?

2009-11-19T20:02:00.002-05:00

At my women's Bible study, we just finished a study by Tara Barthel about peacemaking in relationships, i.e. how to live out the gospel in relationships. (When I see "we", I really mean "they" - I sort of chickened out through most of it because well, I really don't want to look too closely at the state of many of my relationships....)

Anyhow, today was the last video session, and I swear she filmed it just for me. I was convicted at several points, and at one point she was talking about women involved in extremely difficult marriages, and how she has seen these women live out the gospel in those relationships (details, Tara!!! I need details!!!). I actually had tunnel vision when she was saying that - everything around me, except the images on the screen, literally went black.

It makes me wonder if maybe, just maybe, my relationship with (let's call him T, because DH just isn't doing it anymore) T can be better than it is now, if for no other reason than the sake of our kids and the glory of God (and I probably should have reversed that order).

But every time I think along these lines, I run smack up against the issue of trust. T has broken trust on so many levels, in so many ways, over such a long time - I don't know how to handle that. I continue to see no evidence that he is trustworthy, and see some things that indicate he is untrustworthy. I'm talking from the little things ("I'll pick up the boys on Tuesday", but then decides since they have colds, he "can't afford to get sick") to the big ("I really love you and the boys" Love doesn't look or act the way T does.)

Every relationship needs to have some level of trust. I don't know how to resolve conflict with a person I don't trust. You need to believe that they are making an honest effort and speaking truth. Otherwise, conversation is just noise in the wind. Anyhow, stuck there. The only hing I'm able to do right now is pray, but I'm not sure what I should be praying for.

Anyway, I'm WAY off topic here. Tara went on in the video to talk about friendship...and I'll have to finish this post tomorrow or I'll be up all night.

Just wondering...

2009-11-17T17:40:00.003-05:00

Why is it that it's (its?) not okay to have a baked birthday cake with frosting for breakfast, but if you take that same batter, deep fry it, cover it with frosting , add some candy sprinkles, and call it a donut, it's now okay?

Lies, lies and more lies

2009-11-10T12:55:00.002-05:00

So it turns out that being lied to does not feel as badly as being lied about.

I really, really thought I knew the man I was married to. Um, no.

Nope, not even a little bit, I suspect.

I started typing out the details and then realized they don't really matter. He lied and lied and lied and lied. This person did not love me, and the marriage and family I thought I had existed only in my head. How did I not KNOW? How did I not SEE? ( Has this ever happened to any of you?)

It seems that every couple of weeks something else sucker punches me regarding my whole situation. I keep thinking things are finally starting to look up (and, well, actually they really ARE looking up), but then I get an emotional beating from some other aspect of it. It's exhausting and I do wonder when (if) it will finally end.

There are several uplifting things also going on in my life, and I think gradually (in a two steps forward, one step back sort of way), I am slowly getting back on my feet and starting to figure out exactly who I am now.

Also: To the inspector that gave me the ticket (2 days pay!!!) for failing to turn on my amber lights at a school:

You stated that by not activating my amber lights I did not give any warning that I was about to drop children off.

Um, I was driving a school bus? With kids clearly visible on it? I was in the school's driveway?!

In God We Trust

2009-10-29T12:54:00.002-04:00

Man, this blog is awfully heavy. Just so you know, I'm not really this heavy (as in, serious...depressing...dramatic) in my real, everyday life. It's just that here, because it is anonymous and printed words do not have emotion, I can expose (COMPLETELY expose) my heart.

I've been struggling lately with trusting God. I've been wondering what that really means. Trust God for what?

When they know my current circumstances, I've had some people say to me, "Well, you just need to trust the Lord." But trust him with what?

Not my life. I mean, it is absolutely His whether I want to acknowledge it or not. But I'm not trusting Him to keep me physically safe, healthy, or even alive. Because (I am trying to trust that its for His own good reasons), God allows horrible physical accidents, illnesses and deaths to happen - to those who believe Him and love Him and also to those who don't.

It can't mean to trust Him that everything will turn out okay, at least not in this life. I especially think of my children when I think about trusting the Lord. Every day He allows children to starve, to suffer, to be abused, neglected and even tortured. He allows babies to be born dead. I understand that He could allow any of these things to happen to my own kids.

I love the Lord. I believe (help my unbelief, Lord!) that He is good, and holy, and loving. I have seen much evidence that a loving, personal God exists. I have, on occasion, and more frequently as I seek HIm, experienced the peace that surpasses all understanding.

It may be hard to tell in printed words, but I am not accusing God of wrongdoing or unfairness in this post. I am genuinely asking, "What are we supposed to be trusting You about?"

How Can I Help?

2009-10-12T07:43:00.002-04:00

Through the last several months I've been blessed to have several people say to me (and mean it), :If there is anything I can do, or if you need help with anything, please let me know."

I'm not sure what to say. This is what I would like to say, but don't know how to people who actually know me and are standing in front of me. And I feel giulty for wanting help with these things.

I need help with everything. But sometimes I'm not sure if "need" is correct or if it is simply "want". I was raised to be independent. If it's something you CAN do for yourself, then you should not have others doing it for you.

I'd like to say...I need someone to come over during the day and just be there while I juggle the daily stresses. I need someone to jump in and clean up the kitchen while I chat and comfort my kids, or discipline my kids, or try and do the other 85 things that I feel HAVE to get done today.

I need someone to come with me to me old, beloved house and help me sort through the ruins of my old, beloved life. I need someone to tell me its all right..its okay to cry just because you saw the things that made up that life and I still don't understand what happened.

I need someone to insist on watching my kids for a couple of hours just so I can get away for a couple hours and think things through...again and again. And also to tell me that it is perfectly okay to need this...that ANYONE in my situation would need this and that I am by no means "not good enough" and "not capable enough" because I feel like I just can't manage.

I need someone to tell me they understand why I am leaving a house full of our things for the bank to take...I need some one to tell me, " Of course you feel like you don't have the financial or emotional or time or space resources to empty out that house....it's because you don't."

I need someone to stop by one night with dinner and say." I came just because I wanted to see you and hang out with you and spend time with you and the kids. And I would LOVE to help you, or even DO the kids bedtime. " And after they're in bed, I need someone to take me out on the porch and say, "Tell me again how you feel. I know you've said it 100 times, and maybe need to say it 100 more times, but I want to hear it again. It's okay to still feel this way. It doesn't mean you're deficient. "

I need someone to tell me they understand the pain I feel when my husband implies that our 4 year old is to blame for things that he (my husband) stole. I need to explain the panic and worry I feel when our sons are with him...that I believe while he is not physically harming or neglecting them, that their dad is not a good man or a good father and that they are being harmed in other ways. But not in ways that any court would consider "harm", and not in ways that I could prove anyway. Just the fact that husband has no idea how to be a decent human being, and I believe my kids will be harmed by that.

I don't even know how to talk about these things.

Happy Birthday, Mom

2009-09-26T20:14:00.002-04:00

Today would have been my mom's 58th birthday. She passed away of leukemia at 49. There's a big difference between 49 and 58, and I wonder what my mom would have been like now had she lived.

I wonder what kind of grandma she would have been...what kind of mom to me as a mom...what her and my dad would have done once we were all out of the house. (course, I'm back IN the house.... :-) Though if she hadn't died, I wouldn't have met my husband, or had my boys, or BE back in the house...)

I also never know whether to mention these milestones or not to family. Are they thinking about it like I am? I'm not obsessing or anything, and this year on the anniversary of her death, I didn't even remember until the next day. Is that normal?

It's funny, too. I'm the spitting image of my mom practically. My mannerisms are the same, the way I speak is the same, even the way I walk and sit. My mother lost her mom as a very young adult, also, and sometimes I feel like if I ever want to know what my mom would have thought about something, I just have to figure out what I think about it. (though that's not the case in every situation.)

My mom was a fantastic person. Very, very honest and moral and practical and smart. Like me, she didn't always feel comfortable in social situations. If you got her one on one or with a small, close group of friends, she could be very, very funny. I sometimes feel like I'm forgetting her. Or maybe not so much forgetting as not remembering everything. Cafeteria-style memories, if you will. I still find it so painful to remember sometimes that I'm losing some of the memories. Or only remembering part....

Anyway...happy birthday, Mom. We sure do miss you around here.

Dear God....It's me, Grumpy.

2009-09-23T20:11:00.004-04:00

Yay...someone backed into something in the bus yard and it WASN'T ME!!!

Also...the whole love those around you, pray and forgive those who hurt you, endure hardship messages in the Bible?

Yeah...um, harder than it sounds, turns out. I mean, it's okay for a little while. But surely You can't mean for this to go on.......and on....and on.......and on.

Right?

Oh. Right. Thousand-years-is-like-a-day to You.

Forgot.

I'll be needing some help with the whole love and forgiveness thing then.

And...forgiving doesn't mean I have to actually trust the person again, does it?

Please get back to me on that.

The Wonderful Life of a School Bus Driver

2009-09-19T19:32:00.003-04:00

YAY! I have a JOB! A paying JOB!

I have begun an illustrious new career as a school bus driver. And ALREADY I am very, very experienced.

In my first seven days of driving, I have experienced 2 bus breakdowns (after the first one they said that only happens rarely. My bus broke down again the next day), a kid throwing up on my bus (twice. In 20 minutes. Worst of all, it was my kid), and 2 accidents.

In the first accident, I scraped bumpers with another bus backing up in the bus yard. (My fault) In the second accident, I (heroically, I might add) avoided a collision with a car who was WAY over the center and collided with a basketball hoop, which was hanging out into the street.

No damage, no one was hurt, I was not cited. But did you know that anytime a bus touches ANYTHING, everybody gets called? The fire department, the police department, the school principal, the terminal manager, the district manager, the safety manager, the Dalai Llama....

It was not a good week.

BUT, at the end of it, there was a paycheck.

I can't wait to go back to teaching. I think I am going to up my "go back to teaching timeline by a year or two.

The Flibbard of Oz

2009-08-11T11:33:00.002-04:00

I just love the way Big Nut pronounces the name of his favorite movie.

The Big Nut just turned four yesterday. I LOVE watching my boys grow older and grow up. Especially Big Nut over the last few months...his speech and language gains have been huge. His imagination (one of the areas he was most behind in...as in, he didn't know how to pretend) is on high speed. His favorite things to do now is play pretend. I bought him a doctor's kit for his birthday - he loves it. I love watching him love it.

I also enjoy watching my kids learn to play together...Little Nut turned 2 at the end of May, and so he's just learning pretend and how to, ahem.....share. I see now what folks mean when they say "terrible two's". Some of it is "terrific two's" , and I am just so thankful that for Little Nut, it's "typical two's". I actually get a little smile on my face when my little towhead pouts, screams "NO!" and throws his little big self on the floor in a tantrum. (YAY! He's engaged with his surroundings!)

One of the blessings out of the whole autism ordeal with Big Nut is that (most of the time), I can stay very calm when dealing with typical behavior. And well, given a lot of the current ordeal, not much ordinariness fazes me.

When DH was unconscious in the hospital after the second heart attack, I had to take the boys to Wal Mart. We had a big cart, just picking up a few things, and well, as we were in line, Little Nut threw a screaming fit while he was strapped in to the kiddie section of the cart. I just kept firmly saying, "No", gently taking his hand when he'd try to hit me, and otherwise paying him no mind at all. As I was unloading the cart, the woman behind me said, "You are so calm. I wish I had been that calm when my kids were that age." I thanked her (Note to self": compliment other moms mothering skills whenever opportunity arises. Big heart lift.), and assured her I am not always so calm. But honestly, at that point, a tantrum doesn't even register on the stress'o'meter.

Little blessings.

On marriage (aka Am I nuts?)

2009-08-10T20:13:00.004-04:00

It's funny what you think you know about marriage before you get married...what you think you know when you get married...after you've been married awhile.

I think I've learned the most about marriage in the last few weeks than I have in my other almost 7 married years.

It seems folks toss the "D" word around so carelessly, so easily nowadays.

Snippets of marriage:

Signing the blood transfusion paperwork. Signing the open heart surgery paperwork. Making the life and death decisions for another person. Literally life and death.

Holding the hand, watching the monitors. Saying good-bye as they wheel him away. (20% chance he won't make it out alive...)
Putting together the photo collage...my husband's favorite photo (our oldest's tiny hand wrapped around my husband's ginormous thumb on Big Nut's first day of life). My favorite photo of my husband. He's holding our oldest in the Snugli a couple weeks later. It's my favorite of DH because of his eyes - they're unguarded, open.....why didn't I notice when his eyes changed?

I realized in the last few weeks that I deeply, deeply love my husband. He had a second heart attack just four days after he was released from the hospital. We had just met at a fast food place so he could see the kids. It was nice...DH was pale but relaxed. He called during the drive home to say that he was driving to the ER and could I meet him there. I dropped the kids off with my dad and by the time I got there they'd already shocked his heart once, put him on life support and called for the helicopter to take him to a bigger hospital.

It was awful when he was unconscious that week. It's just as hard now that he's doing (physically) well and is home (with his mom, while the boys and I are living with my dad). I realized that I may love my husband deeply. but I really don't like him much at all. He's self-centered and full of self pity. I have heard not a word of genuine remorse for what his decisions have cost our family.

What kind of sane woman would NOT consider divorce? My husband is an addict...a narcissist who is completely irresponsible. A liar and a man who spent our grocery money on drugs when our kids were out of milk.

And, yet.....I believe in God and the miracles he works. I've seen the miracle in me, when I learn to get down on my knees and out of my own way. Christ DOES make you a new creation. But you have to turn to Him. I don't believe my husband has yet.

I will never, ever go back to my husband unless I can see the new man, and hear the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear that it is safe to be there. Right now, when I listen, I hear "Be still.....just wait."

It's tough to hear how seemingly casually some people toss the "divorce" word around. ("Well, Grumpy, you've already wasted seven years of your life...don't waste the rest!" As if birthing my children and honoring vows were a waste...mmmhhh.) Yes, it would be much easier on me in the short term to divorce DH. But then what? He's still the Nuts' dad. How do you just cut out your closest family member as if he didn't exist? His brother isn't going to say. "Yeah, you're not my brother anymore."

I do sort of take the "till death do us part" part seriously. So while I have none, zero, zilch intentions of going back to him until I see and know he is, in fact, a different man, I also don't intend to divorce. At least not anytime soon.

My question to you is, am I nuts?

Please feel free to answer honestly.

The Good Stuff

2009-07-22T14:02:00.002-04:00

All the really great things God is doing in our lives:

1. I trust Him. My trust is greater now than its ever been. I see, up close and personal, how God is caring for me and the boys when we should have really gone off the deep end and fallen through the cracks a while back.

2. We live with my dad. I've had a bit of a rocky relationship with my dad over the years and I think this is allowing us to get closer, get to know one another better. And I couldn't be more grateful that my dad has allowed myself and 2 rambunctious boys to settle in with him. He not only allowed it, but he also is actively helping me to care for the boys. I am blessed.

3. A car. My husband's brother GAVE me a car. He gave it to me. I still can't believe it. Life would have been un-doable with out it. With this car, I have run the errand that allowed us to get medical insurance, done the grocery shopping, get to my job training, soon get to work, get to church, get to the sitter's.......he GAVE it to me. Unbelievable. Grateful for kind and generous brother-in-law.

4. Free babysitting. I am training to be a school bus driver so that I have a decent job, my kids are still with me and I don't have to pay for child care I can't afford. Kids can't come with you to training, and so I have had several people watch my children while I am at training. No one will take money for it. How blessed am I!?

These are just a few of the things I am grateful for...life is definitely stressful, hard, difficult etc. right now, and yet I am still amazed at God's mercy and his blessings. And the PEOPLE - the many, many people who have come alongside and are helping us through this (even you, internet friends, have no idea what a lift it is to read your kind words during tough times).

Anyhow...I am truly blessed, even in (or maybe especially in) the storms.

Is normal ever coming back?

2009-07-19T21:54:00.002-04:00

I just spent a little time reading through some of my old bloggy friends.....

Some of the most normal everyday, wonderful daily postings.....I can't even relate anymore. Regular family life. Normal up and down stresses........

I have this fear that I won't know how to live a normal life anymore....I don't know where the boys and I will be in the future. Normal is no longer normal for me, though to a certain extent I think I've been able to protect the boys (with the Lord's help on that one)

When my husband had the heart attack, I was devastated, but it felt normal. Shock, and awe and confusion are becoming the norm. Stress and juggling everything....I just cried reading about dads coming home, and camping out with kids, and just the regular everyday things. Eating dinner, starting school.

I literally can't remember what that's like anymore....how it feels to NOT be under tremendous stress. I've been coping really , really well.

I don't know how to do normal anymore.

2009-07-18T06:26:00.002-04:00

My husband had a major heart attack yesterday. His heart actually stopped beating at one point. He's 40 years old.

He's probably going to be okay, but right now he's in critical condition.

I sat with him for hours yesterday just holding his hand. Because he's unconscious, or sedated, its the first time in months I've felt comfortable around him...when I don't have my guard up. I'm almost afraid of when he wakes up. Will it be the addict or is the man I married in there somewhere?

The heart attack was probably caused by cocaine use. Will this be the wake up call or just another blip on the radar screen to him?

It's been rough. His poor mom - my father in law died just over two weeks ago. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and died 5 weeks later. I'm glad he isn't here to see this. It would have broken his heart.

I can't even think straight.

Thanks for reading, friends. I believe in prayer, so if you would say one or two for us, thanks.

Now what?

2009-07-16T20:21:00.002-04:00

Hey, friends......I'm sorry I've been off the net awhile. I've been too (pick one) embarrassed, sad, ashamed, overwhelmed, angry, and confused to post.

My husband and I separated. (Well, to get technical about it, I left him.) This probably doesn't make much sense, but I left in hopes of saving our marriage. Get space to figure out what's really going on. See things from a better perspective.

I see things more clearly now.

My husband is an addict. A no longer recovering addict.

I don't think drugs are the main problem, but just a symptom....a thin veneer to cover up whatever the big problem in my husband's life is.

Everything is hard.

I feel like I've been posting that for years, and things continue to crumble. Except faith. Faith and hope and love (surprisingly) grow stronger every day. I realize now why many things seemed to inexpicably crumble. There was a reason - I just didn't see it.

The worst part is watching someone you love, someone you care about, essentially destroy everything around them, but mostly himself. And the worst of the worst is that he does not see it. He either is incapable or unwilling to see all the consequences of his choices. (I am not blaming him for my choices - a marriage is two people, and I take full responsibility for my part.)

I've tried to surround myself with people who love us both to advise and counsel and pray. They agree that I am not crazy - that right now there is nothing I can do except take care of myself and the boys and pray (from a distance) for my husband.

It's like watching a horrible wreck in slow motion and knowing there is nothing you can do.

Do I REALLY hafta know what I hafta know?

2009-04-08T21:25:00.002-04:00

So my husband and I are planning on being baptized at the end of this month and I am probably also going to become a member of my church. (Baptism and membership are two different issues at my church. You don't necessarily need one to do the other.) Way back when, I published a post about my reservations/uncertainties regarding identifying myself as an evangelical Christian.

I am 100% behind being baptized - I believe in Christ, and I believe He has saved me from my many (and ongoing) sins.

The membership part I'm still not certain of. There are (still) many things that many evangelical Christians believe that well, I just haven't had time to investigate, in Scripture or in other places.

Many denominations believe in the Bible as the literal Word of God. I believe the Bible to be unequivocally true, but certainly not literal in every aspect. I'm not sure that even most Christians who profess to believe in a literal interpretation do so to the extreme. Otherwise, we'd have folks gouging out their eyes and chopping off limbs left and right, because Jesus said it is better for you to lose a part of your body than for your entire soul to burn in hell. Surely he doesn't actually want us to do that!

Some of the things that are unresolved in my mind:

Evolution. Again. Now, truthfully, I am fairly ignorant on evolutionary theory. I would like to take the time to read Darwin's Origin of Man and see for myself exactly what he did and did not claim. Do I have to believe that the world was created in six 24 hour days? And what about dinosaurs? I really can't bring myself to believe that the dinosaurs are some big hoax. If you are a Christian who believes in a very literal interpretation, what do you think about evolution? Do you feel its proponents are simply misguided or conspiriatorial? (And is conspiriatorial even a word? : ) ) And, most importantly to me right now, can I become a member of my church if my understanding on this issue is still unresolved?

Hell. This is a biggie for me. I haven't studied the Scriptures much on this particular issue, but I don't understand/am uncomfortable with someone going to hell who never even had an OPPORTUNITY to hear about Christ. I had a brief conversation with my pastor about this, right before our baptism class. When he confirmed that yes, this was something our church believed to be true, I told him that it might be a "sticking point" with me. (And, yes, i have the kind of pastor who you can ask anything of, and not feel condemned or unaccepted. Everyone should have a pastor who's open like that.) I just don't really know what to think on this issue. Can I become a member and remain undecided until I the time/guidance/spiritual/mental resources to resolve it?

I guess these are the two biggest issues. How do all you Christians out there feel? What do all you non-Christians out there think? How have you all resolved these questions? As Oprah says, "What do you know for sure?" And would add, "And how do you know it?"

It's all FREE!!!!

2009-04-07T18:53:00.004-04:00

Being the frugal tightwads that we now are, I've developed an appreciation for the vast amount of free stuff out there. Why hadn't I heard of all this before? (Because, dear Self, you were too busy wasting perfectly good money to take the time to look.

A run down lately:

Free compost: our dump (oops, pardon me, our recycling station) gives away free compost. Pull up a vehicle, shovel it in. It's good used as a mulch and much, much , much cheaper than the $4 or $8 or $13 you'd spend on bagged mulch.
Free workshop for kids: Big Nut and DH went to Home Depot's Kid's Workshop Saturday. They gave Big Nut his very own kid-sized Home Depot work apron and he and DH got to put together a birdhouse. They do it the first Saturday of every month and its FREE! I think Lowe's does something similar as well.
Free compost bin: Turns out lots of businesses give away free wooden pallets, 5 of which make a great compost bin. Simply lash 4 of them together with wire coat hangers to use as sides, and the fifth one as the bottom. FREE, and not too bad looking.
Free sandbox: Do you know how many places give away used tires? We found a tractor trailer repair business that had some HUGE tires - perfect for use as a big sandbox. We also grabbed our kids 5 regular sized tires just to play with - they jump on them, stack them, climb them, roll them....they stay busy with those tires for hours.
Free recycling bin: I almost paid $13 for a big blue recycling bin to use. Then I called our town and you can just pick one up at the recycling office. For FREE!
Free tickets: Our library has free tickets to several museums and the ZOO! One of our local children's museums has Thursday evenings free.
Free playground: I haven't actually checked this out yet, but rumor has it that telephone companies give away those huge cable spools for free. We're looking into stacking 2 or 3 and painting them bright colors for the kids to climb up and slide down and hide out around. (We'd have to buy the slide, but still much cheaper than buying the towers of the wooden playsets or even a relatively inexpensive metal swingset)

Of course, I haven't even mentioned Craigslist and freecycle and all that.

Who knew?

refreshing

2009-04-02T13:47:00.004-04:00

Aaahhh....just got back from the ladies' Bile study (oops - I mean ladies BIBLE study....though the typo is silly so I left it). I thought I was going to have to cut out the study because it is at my church which is 3 towns away, but I realize its one of the things keeping me sane(ish).

It's amazing how the faith of others can lift your own faith up. I only get lifted up that way when I am in the actual physical presence of others - it doesn't happen online or from reading books. Almost like Christ's presence is in the air we breathe. We've (or I should say "they", because I missed several weeks before I came to my senses) been doing a Beth Moore study. I love Beth Moore - she's just such a bright, compassionate human being, and I so enjoy learning from other women.

Anyhow, sorry this post is so short - I'm not yet back in the habit of posting.

Posted later:

After i posted this, I went to look for a link to a Beth Moore site, and was pleasantly surprised to find a blog by her and her daughters. I didn't even know today was "World Autism Awareness" day, but for those of you (us) affected by autism disorders, there is a beautiful story and many beautiful prayers in the comments section. (Just click on the link above and scroll to April 2)

Times, they are a changin!

2009-03-24T22:27:00.004-04:00

I've been gone so long, I'm lost on my own blog!

Things surely do change fast in the blogging world....what's a follower? Where, oh where, has the beloved Mrs. G from Derfwad Manor gone? (I know - the Women's Colony, but its just not the same.....) Nienie is home, and now I know more specifics that I can pray for her and her family. Memarie is (hopefully only) on sabbatical. MamaHen has moved and added a last name, er...first name....and gosh, all you folks sure have prettied up your blogs! I feel like a country bumpkin with my standard template blog.

Things have changed in Grumpy's world as well.

We are still in our house, we are desperately trying to avoid the B-word that was blogged about previously. DH recently lost his job, and that's very very scary. Too scary to blog about. But losing his job was a very clear answer to prayer, and we are trying to trust God and not ourselves. (We got internet again because we've realized its essential to modern day job searches.) The Lord knows where He's taking us and we are just hanging on for the ride and I will blog more about that later.

We finally (FINALLY!) decided to have Big Nut formally evaluated and he was, in fact, on the autism spectrum, though not actually autistic. (PDD-NOS, for those that want to know, which is Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. Charming sounding, isn't it?) I do not think I will ever tell Big Nut that he has ANYTHING pervasive, except maybe pervasive silliness. But as I read more about autistic spectrum disorders, the information has been helpful in knowing and understanding my son better - both strengths and weaknesses and I will blog more about that later.

All in all, outwardly the last few months have been scary, uncertain, stressful and hard. Inwardly, we've turned to God and He has caught us. Not always in the ways we imagined being caught, but in His perfect way.

Our relationships are better, our marriage is stronger. Because I can now clearly see how merciful and loving and forgiving God has been to me, I am able, with His help, to be far more loving, compassionate and merciful to others.

YAY!!! We have internet again!!!!

2009-03-17T21:02:00.002-04:00

I MISSED all of my bloggy friends!

Life is good, we're doing okay...just haven't had any internet awhile.

I'll post more later but I want to go read all my bloggy friends right now......

YAY - I'm so happy to be back!!!!!

What exactly am I doing wrong?

2008-09-27T18:39:00.002-04:00

So I'm taking Big Nut to the doctor yesterday, when he unbuckles his car seat. Pull over, sternly reprimand, buckle back in.

Pull out. Three minutes later, Big Nut unbuckles again. Pull over, glare, sternly reprimand, take away book, rebuckle.

Pull out. Three minutes later.....you guessed it.

Pull over. Exasperated, ask (loudly), "Do you want a spanking?!"

Big Nut, very sincerely, "Yes, please."

Uuuummmmmmmm.....okay.

Big Nut gets out of car seat, bends over slightly. I give him two good swats on his non-diapered butt.

"Thank you, Mommy." Climbs back up in seat.

I , trying not to laugh, begin buckling him in.

"WAIT, Mommy. I need another spanking."

Since his speech is not that clear, I make sure I understand him: "You want another spanking?"

Again very sincerely, "Yes, please."

Me sternly," Well, if you want another spanking, you just better stay buckled in your seat ALL the way to the doctor's. If you come out of that seat, I WILL NOT give you another spanking. Do you understand?!"

Nods.

Do you that boy stayed buckled the entire rest of the way to the doctor's?

September Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

2008-09-25T06:36:00.005-04:00

I am sometimes weary of all the "awareness" we should promote for many causes (red ribbons and pink ribbons and yellow ribbons). I don't like to be reminded all the time of all the sadness and disease in the world. I'd rather shut it out. (Again, not at ALL proud of this and working furiously on my selfishness and lack of compassion in this area.)

The one thing I have never (thankfully) been able to shut out of my head and that I get an uncontrollable "we must DO something" thought about, is kids with cancer. I have felt this way since long before I had my own children. I watched my mother and a few grandparents die of cancer, and it is awful to the tenth degree.

I cannot imagine, just cannot imagine, a child and his/her family having to go through that.

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. The ribbons to wear are gold. I am going to think of something more concrete than just wearing a ribbon and calling it a day, and I'll post about it when I do.

Also, for those of you that occasionally eat out, Chili's (nationwide) is donating 100% of their profits on Monday, September 29 (that's THIS Monday, people) to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital.

Links:

Kids with Cancer

St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital

Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation

(This was supposed to be 2 posts but am experiencing technical difficulties.)

Schooling Thoughts

Miriam over at farmsuite (one of my favorite blogs) posted today about homeschooling her girls.

I was just thinking about this yesterday.

My 3 year old attends an early intervention public preschool. He absolutely LOVES it. He loves being with other kids, and literally gets jumping-up-and-down excited about riding the school bus and going to school. He likes his teacher and so do I.

BUT, I have really no idea what my son is doing, thinking, feeling, and learning for 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. I wonder what he's learning values-wise and also academically (though it's not really academics - they use the coloring and counting and all that to work on speech and fine motor skills, etc.) And while part of me enjoys the quiet, part of me really misses him.

On a side note, he is now riding the school bus. I am very comfortable with him riding it in the morning. The driver is a young twenty something guy and there is a sweet older girl who is already on the bus when he gets on. Afternoons, I'm not so sure. Because he's half day, its a different driver and he is the last stop. I am completely and totally judging, and judging by looks, but his driver is a middle aged guy with long greasy hair and missing a few teeth. In no other circumstances could I imagine leaving my son alone with this person (again, not proud of it, but judging solely by looks). He seems friendly enough, and Big Nut seems to like him. But I just don't like it.

I don't want to be a helicopter parent, but he's THREE.

Thoughts?

Think again

2008-09-24T06:12:00.002-04:00

Thanks for the questions for DH. He'll be answering soon.

On another note, I am not sure about blogger protocol, but I decided to delete a few of my past posts. This blog is evolving a bit, and I am, too, and I just wasn't comfortable anymore with some of the things I shared. I'll be more careful in the future because I don't think deleting posts is really a good idea overall - seems almost dishonest. Who knows?

DH would like to guest post

2008-09-21T02:00:00.000-04:00

My darling husband has been reading my blog and thinks he would like a little test run blogging himself. He stated that the ladies (pretty sure you've all......okay, okay, BOTH of you have been ladies) who commented gave good advice and seemed very supportive and nice. (I agree!)

We cannot think of an idea for him to guest post on, and so I am shamelessly stealing Mrs. G's idea of asking for questions that DH will answer as his guest post.

A little about DH:

(I just asked DH what I should tell you all about him, and he said I could tell you anything I wanted.)

DH is a wonderful, wonderful husband and father. He can figure out how to fix anything, and does. He's a guy's guy who makes his own wine, and likes a beer now and then. Doesn't like sports, but enjoys fishing, horseshoes and occasionally playing golf. He gets along with everyone, and when he meets you assumes you are a friend. He works nights supervising a shipping crew on the loading docks. He's a talented artist and woodworker who's paintings, drawings, and murals decorate our home.

He and I are opposites in many, many ways. He cried at our wedding, I giggled. I loved school, found it easy, made good grades and have a bachelor's degree in chemistry. DH struggled from day one, and eventually dropped out in the eleventh grade, though later worked very hard to obtain his GED.

His life is a testament that people can change. My tall, blond, blue eyed love is a recovering cocaine addict who spent nearly nine years in prison for armed robbery. (Thankfully, no one was physically hurt.) He came from your typical broken home involving divorce, alcoholism, and selfishness, though has NEVER used this as an excuse for the wrongs he committed.

We met at church after he was released. I did not know him before that, and found out about his past during a new members meeting when we gave our testimony as to how we came to Christ. He hid nothing and made no excuses. When we began dating, he took my father out to dinner to answer all his questions and concerns. My father came out comfortable with me dating him. (I was 25, and he was 32.)

When his schedule allowed it, he was involved with the youth group. The pastors, students, and parents were all aware of his past. He is thankful for that opportunity, because as he says, if he can prevent just one kid from making the mistakes he's made....He was often the one the kids turned to when they needed an understanding ear or guidance. He's also the first man I'd ever felt safe with. (Beyond ironic, I know....)

Anyhow, we've been married over 6 years, and I am thankful.

Questions for DH, anyone?

More Christian confusion

2008-09-20T07:03:00.005-04:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking since posting yesterday.

I realized I AM comfortable evangelizing, just not in the way most people think about it. I'm reminded of quote Memarie wrote on one of her book reviews:

"Have you found Jesus?"

"I did! He was behind the couch the whole time!!"

I find this quote hilarious. (I'm giggling typing it...)

Evangelizing, if I understand it right, simply means telling others about Jesus Christ. Which, I did in fact do on my post yesterday. I'm fairly certain most folks, at least in America, have already heard of Jesus. The same way, except more so, I have heard of Mohammed the Prophet. It's ineffective, disrespectful, and unloving to beat somebody upside the head with faith.

I wasn't raised an evangelical Christian - I was raised a nominal Catholic. So there are many stereotypes about evangelicals, other than those yesterday, that would not describe me.

Evolution makes sense to me. I respect the beliefs of creationists and intelligent design proponents, but don't think it should be taught in our schools. I was a science major and that is not science. I am perfectly okay teaching evolution as a THEORY, because that's what it is.
Publicly led prayer, or any religion at all, for that matter, has no place in our public schools or government. Obviously, one's faith informs one's morals, and politicians should use their faith as a guide to what is right, but it should not be a compulsory thing. Also, my children (I hope) will pray in school. Because they choose to, not because somebody told them to, or made them. Turns out one can pray anytime and God will hear. Even if it is silent.

I wonder if all these things make me a "bad" evangelical. I struggled a long time with whether or not this was the place I really belonged, or whether the church I go to matched what I really believe. Are the stereotypes of evangelicals just that - stereotypes?

If you read our church's doctrine, I believe all. Notice, however, it doesn't say much about the daily life particulars.

At Bible study on Thursday, we were discussing a passage and what it meant, and one lady said, "Look here! It's all perfectly clear!" Seeing as how we are reading a translation, and that in that translation there are many footnotes that read " the meaning of this Hebrew word is uncertain", the Bible is anything but "perfectly clear".

Confessions of an Evangelical Christian

2008-09-18T06:54:00.003-04:00

Yes.....yes, I am.

I am one of those.

One of those evangelical Christians you read about in the media - the intolerant, the gay bashing, the voting for the right, Bush-loving "values" voting, evangelical Christian.

Except I'm not. I'm an evangelical Christian who is not comfortable evangelizing a this point in my life or in my "walk with Christ." I am almost apologetic when I tell people my denomination, because I myself am uncomfortable with the stereotype.

When Matthew Shephard died (was murdered), there were people there taunting his family, yelling that Matthew would burn in hell for being a homosexual. The media identified them as "evangelical Christians."

The folks outside abortion clinics, harassing patients, taunting, frightening, etc. They often identify themselves as "evangelical Christians."

I don't want to be identified with these people.

I believe strongly in Jesus Christ, I believe he was the ultimate sacrifice for our sins (ALL our sins, mine included), I believe in a loving and sovereign God. I also believe God is full of wrath for our sin - no doubt. He is a just God - sin deserves God's wrath.

But that's just it - sin deserves God's wrath, not ours. We are not capable of judging others - even when another is sinning, I believe in certain cases, we may, possibly, if asked, point out another's sin. Gently, kindly, and with love. Maybe.

In ALL cases, we are called to love and to show other's God's love. The truth is, God loved(s) Matthew Shephard and his family. As much as He loved(s) Mother Theresa. And, why, oh why, weren't the Christians there to comfort his family?

I remember our pastor saying that a group from our church was going up to the local school to protest the formation of a Gay and Lesbian Alliance group at the high school. I have seen and heard about the taunts, the threats, the bullying that gay and lesbian students are often exposed to and kind of felt we were on the wrong side.

Why weren't we loudly proclaiming that these students were being mistreated and why weren't we showing them our love instead? It was often the Christian who was taunting, when he/she should have been sticking up for that person as another child of God?

Even if you believe that homosexuality is a sin (and if you can't tell, I am deeply torn on this issue. Why would God make someone a homosexual and then make homosexual thoughts and actions a sin? At the same time, I do believe God created man and woman, and the ultimate purpose of sex is to procreate....I have been turning this over and over in my mind for years. Ultimately, though, I believe we who taunt, harass, threaten and generally do not love our brothers and sisters commit the greater sin.), we are ALL sinners. Christ loved us while we were still sinners, and He had no sin.

I also strongly believe that abortion is murder. And I KNOW that God loves that mother and child more than I love my own children. And that we are called to love them both. If I am to call myself a Christian, in non-Christian's minds, I am a representative of Christ. I should strive to be like Him.

I really cannot picture Christ getting into a young, frightened, possibly confused teenage mother-to-be's face and screaming, "MURDERER!!!" I picture Him giving that girl a hug and holding her hand, and loving both her and her child. (I am not saying abortion is okay, I do not think we should say it's okay...but when all is said and done, we are to LOVE.)

I hope this doesn't come across too much as up-on-a-soapbox. I am more confused and unsure than anything else, and just trying to get things straight in my mind.

Thoughts? Anyone out there trying to untangle the same sorts of things?

Random stuff

2008-09-10T06:09:00.002-04:00

Random stuff I've been doing/thinking about:

Finally checked out Barak Obama and John McCain's websites. Clicked on issues. So far I've read "Iraq", "education" and "health."

Agree with Obama on Iraq and health, though I do think Obama's ideas are going to be much harder to implement than it sounds on his site. (The straw that broke the camel's back for us financially was my husband being hospitalized back in April for a severe asthma attack (he has gone into respiratory arrest in the past) and the seven medications he was on after that. We have insurance, but the copays were over $1000, along with the lack of pay while he was in the hospital. And I know we are more fortunate than many.) I am strongly in favor of Obama's plan for transparency in the inner workings of insurance companies, via the Exchange.

Education I agreed more with McCain, who is very much in favor of school choice and vouchers. I wish, when folks were discussing education, that there was more talk about parents. I do believe the schools can't do everything, that parents (or lack thereof) plays a much bigger role in how much a child learns. I wonder sometimes if money might be better spent in helping to support/educate parents. How - I don't know. This is why I can never go into politics.

On another (random) note, I've decided to let Big Nut ride the school bus. He should start in a week or two.

I've been slowly starting to clean out our house. It's sort of sad, but we are also looking forward to a fresh start. Everything about this time is anxiety producing: the paperwork, the uncertainty, the planning. We're trying to take it a day at a time.

2008-09-07T06:08:00.002-04:00

Oh, so tired. Folks of you out there with five (or even three) kids - what do you do without sleep? Big Nut has a very bad cold, which usually revs his asthma up to high. So he was up a couple times last night and is coughing as we speak (er, as I type....though he is probably still coughing as you read this. Poor Big Nut.)

And Little Nut has decided to grow in 5 (five!!) teeth at once. And of course, he's got the diaper rash to prove it. (I realize there is no scientific evidence to prove it, but I swear the teething causes diaper rash.) He was up several times last night as well.

Other things I am going to post about later:

Crazy MIL is being sweet as pie to me but now is not speaking to DH. (Once she decided to ignore Big Nut because she was mad at both of us.)

Politics - I am gonna have to start digging my head out of the sand soon. Based on only cursory reading of news articles over the last few years, I lean strongly towards the Dems.

Big Nut needs breathing treatment - will post more later.

Mice with wings

2008-09-05T06:15:00.004-04:00

This post over at suburbancorrespondent reminded me of our own "mice" story.

Like suburbancorrespondent, we, too occasionally get critters in our house. Not mice, but kind of like mice with wings.

Bats.

Four days after Big Nut was born, I was downstairs in the living room when something flew by my head. Pretty sure it was a bat but didn't wait to get a good look. Scooped up the Nut, and ran upstairs for DH. He thought I was crazy, but then he came running back upstairs.

"Yep, its a bat! And its a big one!"

We weren't quite sure what to do, but I remembered my parents had a bat in the apartment a few days after my brother was born. Called Dad, who said to call the fire department. (??) So we did, and out they came in a big ol' fire truck (thankfully without the sirens), armed with a glove and a coffee can. Captured the bat. And said, yep, because bats can carry rabies, they get called.

So we thought it was sort of funny that my parents had a bat right after their oldest was born and so did we.

Four days after Little Nut was born, I was up in our bedroom with him when something flew by my head. This time I knew it was a bat, ran out, shut the door, and DH didn't think I was crazy this time. Called the fire department and out they came with the truck, the glove and the coffee can. this time DH went up to the bedroom with them. The guy with the coffee can was kind of blustery, we see this every day...no problem, ma'am, nothing to worry about, we'll take care of for ya!

Four firefighters and DH up in the bedroom. DH said they ALL hit the ground when that bat started flying around.

Anyway, they caught it. All's well.

Then last week, lo and behold...another bat. We're beginning to feel a little silly calling the fire department, the kids were in bed..so DH just went downstairs an opened the doors hoping it would fly out. He thought it did. But the next day while he was at work it was flying all around the house again.

I called the fire department. The bat did fly out before they came, so I felt bad they came out for nothing. But the firefighter said no problem. It seems our neighborhood gets a lot of bats. Why, this was something like the third time they'd been called to our street for bats.

Really?

Huh.

Back to Basics

2008-09-04T06:26:00.002-04:00

It's been rough, a little more rough, and well, then it just got worse. I've lately been walking around feeling this impending sense of doom - can't sleep (semi normal for me), can't eat (haven't had THAT problem since my mom died).

Getting through the day feels like wrestling an octopus in the mud with one hand tied behind my back. Been having trouble praying....basically I just pray that God will just give me the desire to want to pray again. The Bible seems like just another book with words - there's nothing there. Energy gone.

There's been so much to think about, decisions to make (good decision making is not our strong point), so much to do. And - are we doing the right thing? Is this a good decision for our kids? THis feels like our last safety net - we've made so many bad choices...what if this is another one?

Basically, we'd like to give our kids a good place to grow up - a place where they can run around outside, ride their bikes to a neighbor's house, grow a garden....

And we'd like to be able to do that on one to one and a half incomes. AND with my husband able to work a day job. (Yeah - we're not TOO picky...:-) )What if this isn't what God has in mind for us?

Bleh - enough about that. I know that part of the reason I'm so paralyzed lately is because I am so wrapped up in my own family's needs...self centeredness strikes again.

Is there anything I can pray about for all of you? The good or the bad, the cute or the ugly?

Things My 3 Year Old Can Do

2008-09-01T06:38:00.002-04:00

Okay, really its things I think my 3 year old should be able to do. This post of Jenn's got me thinking about raising independent and capable little darlings. (hey, did ya notice I created a link?!)

Getting dressed and undressed by himself. I need to help, and I have had to teach him step by step how to put pants on, etc., and it DOES take much longer, but he's getting much better with practice.

Clear his own table setting, then wash his hands and face after a meal. I'm also thinking have making him responsible for setting the table, because he's at that age where he LOVES to help, and its something he can do.

Begin keeping his own room and playroom tidy. (He's at a huge disadvantage here because I am not organized, but we're working on it...)

He already starts his own shower (though I mix the right temp for him) and shuts off the shower part before getting out. Every three days or so, I help him wash up (I'm pretty sure he's NOT getting all the "nooks and crannies" by himself. :-) )

He's long been using scissors and butter knives to cut things. ( I always thought it funny when his teacher said he had "fine motor delays" but the kid can follow a simple or complicated thick cutting line, completely screw and unscrew using real tools, and can "write" the same size letters and words I do)

Brush his own teeth and hair. I brush his teeth first, then we brush our teeth together and he mirrors me.

When he's thirsty, he gets his own water from the bathroom.

That's all I can think of right now.

I have been trying to decide on whether or not to let him ride the bus to preschool or not. It's a short bus, there are seatbelts, he really wants to ride the schoolbus and it will likely be just other preschoolers with him. Down sides to me are: There is only driver, no aid. There MAY be older kids, and since if I drive him directly it takes 15-20 minutes, being part of a route may make for a very long ride. Also, his speech is such that he really can't TELL me what's going on on the bus. If he could clearly tell me if he was frightened (or happy, for that matter), I'd feel better about it. So, I'm just not sure.

Thoughts on that? What would YOU do?

I'm not racist, but.....

2008-08-31T06:35:00.002-04:00

Here in the northeast, one sometimes gets the impression when racism is brought up in a public forum, that we in the North believe racism to be a Southern problem. Hah!

I cannot tell you how many times over the last few years, I have heard relatives, neighbors, and acquaintances begin a statement with, "I'm not racist, but...."

"I'm not racist, but it sure is nice having another white family move in..."

"I'm not racist, but you don't really want to be living next door to a bunch of (insert non-white ethnic group here.)..

"I'm not racist but it's the (blacks or Puerto Ricans) that are bringing down the schools..."

People, if you are beginning a statement with "I'm not racist but...." not only are you racist, you are a hypocritical, two faced racist.

What does one say to the relatives and neighbors that speak to you this way expecting to commiserate with you on the "problem"?

Generally, I either immediately and awkwardly change the subject, or say something along the lines of "Well, there are folks who take advantage of the system in every class...." which really just sounds weak.

I believe the commandment "Honor your mother and father" applies to most older relatives, but what does one do when it collides with "Love your neighbor as yourself"?

Home Comforts

2008-08-30T06:09:00.003-04:00

One of my absolute favorite books is Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House, by Cheryl Mendelson. It's essentially a reference manual for my current profession, homemaking. Since I was not trained in homemaking, its been an inspiration and a lifesaver sometimes. (Stop that snickering!!! If your leg fell off, I could probably save you. Keeping.......er, getting..... the house running smoothly? Much more traumatic.........)

I didn't realize that Home Comforts is the modern version of what used to be as common as cookbooks are today (i.e. housekeeping manuals). At the library I found a few originally written in the 1800's. My favorite is American Woman's Home, by Catharine Beecher and Harriet Beecher Stowe.

Originally published in 1869, it gives credence to the saying by the wise old Teacher "There is nothing new under the sun." In it she talks about frustrations of housekeeping, lack of respect for homemaking, lack of respect in children (i.e. talking at the table, monopolizing conversations with adults...many of the same things some folks bemoan today), and also raising of children, etc. It's not all, or even mostly. complaints.....more like a running commentary on ( her) modern day problems and ways to do one's job with dignity, order, and calmness. Also, she just conveys an understanding of how difficult housekeeping can be, with all the 10,000 little things that can make your plans run amok.

I was born in the mid-seventies, at the height of "women can have it all." Throughout my entire childhood, I was raised with the idea that you didn't want to be "just" a housewife. You needed a "good job", and job was something that paid money. I got the impression, and it still lingers in the recesses of my mind today, that being a housewife and mother was somehow menial work. I thought that when people said being a housewife was "difficult" they were just being politically correct and nice.

I don't think so anymore. I think it's going to take me a few years to really learn the ropes of running a clean, well ordered, comfortable home.

The Weather

2008-08-29T06:04:00.002-04:00

Gosh, the weather here is so perfect right now...fall is absolutely my favorite, favorite, favorite!! season, and its just beginning to slowly introduce itself to us here.

Cooler nights, less humidity....I will miss this if we move south.

And fall coming soon means apple picking and pumpkins and Halloween and mums and corn mazes and hay bales and apple cider...ooh, and lots of slow cooker meals with stuff like sausage and maple glazed pork and cranberries and pies....mmmhhh.

Blogger and school

2008-08-28T05:38:00.003-04:00

I have to say, I gotta admire all you bloggers out there who not only post words every day, but include several pictures, links, labels, etc.

Since many of my blogging ideas come from other blogs, I'm always intending to link to them, but it takes me forever to go back and forth copy and paste, etc. I went to the "Layout" tab earlier, and I'm really impressed with all the different stuff one can do with a blog. This could easily turn into a full time job. But a fun one....

In other news, Big Nut had a great first day of school. There are about 7 boys in his class, and one poor little girl. Her mom dressed her in the cutest little outfit.....a pleated skirt and knit top. I love my boys, but I can see how my grandmother just kept having kids until she got a girl. (My father, the oldest, likes to kid his 4 brothers that he's the only boy...the rest are just failed attempts at a girl.)

Anyhow, his teachers seem very nice. When we went to pick him up, he just had that thousand yard stare. Very tired, and I'm sure the whole thing very overwhelming. As tired as he was, he was too keyed up to sleep....he was acting up until he finally fell asleep on his bedroom floor just after 5 PM. I woke him at twenty after for supper, and he could barely keep his eyes open. Quick bath, bed, and then stories....and zzzzzzzz. Nice.

I did make sure he knows he's going back again today, and he seems excited. I am, too, I get to go grocery shopping with only one child!!! Yay!!!!!

First Day of School

2008-08-27T05:11:00.002-04:00

First day of school today. We're making a special blueberry pancake breakfast and Mawmaw (my MIL) is coming over to eat and come with us.

I saw on the news this morning that the governor is going to Big Nut's school to greet the children. This is going to be so exciting...I hope Big Nut has a good day.

Happy Birthday, Sis!

2008-08-22T06:51:00.002-04:00

My sister doesn't know I have a blog, but i can wish her Happy Birthday on it anyway.

Sis and I are nearly three years apart, with me being older. She is one of the people I look up to the most in this world. Just someone with her head screwed on straight, whereas I can be paranoid and flaky.

Today she is the big three-oh! She will be celebrating with Patrick, Princess, chili dogs and ice cream cake. Aahhhh, nice.

School soon

2008-08-20T13:04:00.002-04:00

Bah - technical difficulties blogging. I have many "drafts" of posts I'd like to publish in the future, but can't figure out how to publish them with the correct date. Meaning my drafts post with the day I "drafted" them, not the day I post them. I'll figure it out....

Big Nut starts pre-school next week...maybe. It seems there are registration difficulties and he is "not in the computer." Hopefully he will be in the computer by next Wednesday when school starts. If nothing else, his home school, the school he will actually be attending, the city's director of special ed, and the city's preschool director all agree he is attending, although they all keep giving me slightly different stories of what will happen/needs to happen.

We did visit his school today so he could at least see his classroom. The teacher wasn't there, and the classroom wasn't completely set up yet, but he's excited and I am, too.

Back again!

2008-08-17T06:11:00.002-04:00

Days just seem to fly when you're having fun...

Sorry it's been so long since I posted - I'm still fairly new to the blogging thing, but I see how quickly skipping a day can lead to skipping a week, or more.

Well, actually I planned on skipping last week, because we went on vacation. Since we are on the uber tight budget (and because we haven't seen her in awhile), we drove to Virginia to see my sister. Much fun was had by all...Some of the highlights:

Big Nut caught his first fish, using his brand new Spiderman fishing pole Uncle D got him for his 3rd birthday (a 4 incher, baby)
DH and my brother in law, who we'll call Patrick, got to bond over fish, beer, and horeshoes
Making the world's best crabcakes with Sis from crabs DH and Patrick caught themselves
Little Nut took his first steps at Big Nut's Friday night birthday party, and practiced all week with Princess, who is four months older, 1 inch shorter, and seven pounds lighter
Rub a dub dub; three kids in a tub
Letting the men watch the kids while Sis and I went to the bookstore for two and a half hours! All by ourselves! We got to chat, browse, drink coffee, read....mmmmhhhhh, contented sigh.

There's more, but those are some of the best.

6 random things

2008-08-05T14:42:00.010-04:00

I've been tagged! I feel so honored, MamaHen!

Since I've only been blogging for a month, I don't really know too many bloggers, and so most of the people I am tagging probably have no idea who I am!! This could be fun, in a possibly creepy, blog-stalking sort of way....Tag-ees are listed at the bottom...hope you can play!

Rules of Engagement:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on your blog (copy and paste 1-6)

3. Write 6 random things about yourself (see below)

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them.

5. Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six random things about Grumpy:

1. I have driven the entire length of I-90, starting in Seattle and ending in Boston. At age 19. In a pick up truck. By myself. I only wrecked once, in Butte, Montana, which I thought was pronounced "butt" and thought it an appropriate place to crash at the time.

2. I once had my hair cut 200 ft up a cliff off the side of highway in Anchorage, Alaska. It was my friend doing the cutting, with a knife. I wouldn't normally recommend this trimming method, but we were rapelling and my very long ponytail got caught in the carabiner and was slowly cutting off my air. My friend risked his life to get to me, and then apologized that he had to cut my hair off.

3. I have brown hair and hazel eyes. (Not everything random has to be exciting...)

4. I like to read, can read quickly, and can understand and remember just about anything I read. Verbally, I am utterly useless. Do not give me directions, instructions, or descriptions verbally unless you want to repeat yourself 14 times.

5. I LOVE the California cow commercial where the cow "hits the snooze" by throwing the crowing rooster out of the barn and into a hay bale. California has happy cows, but brain damaged roosters.

6. When I was one year old I stepped on a beehive and was stung over 50 times. I don't remember the incident.

Ok folks - your turn, if you so decide. (Just so you know, some of my tag-ees are on vacation, in the middle of moving, have a newborn, or all of the above. Aren't you glad you have a perfect stranger adding to your to do list? :))

Tag-ees:

Pigs (I am a long time lurker and anonymous commenter on Pigs's blog, from when she was a teacher in the world's most dysfunctional school district. Pigs does not know me at all. )

Mrs. G (who needs no introduction, as she is a superstar and very brave woman in the blogoshere (and also on vacation, assuming she did in fact survive the flight to NYC. ))

Jenn@jugglinglife (a wonderful mom and blogger and on vacation. I aspire to doing joyful laundry myself.)

memarie lane (I am a new reader of memarie, and look forward to reading about all things domestic. Give in to the urge, memarie!)

suburbancorrespondent (the reason I am a blogger. If I ever do win the bloggy book giveaway, I'll need a new reason for blogging. More hugs today to suburbancorrespondent.)

Sue (who is on a blogcation, but I don't really know of anyone else. Also famous, ridiculously funny, and also does not know me at all. Hugs and prayers to Sue also.)

dream kitchen

2008-07-31T19:49:00.002-04:00

We have been on an uber tight budget lately, and I have been fantasizing about my dream home, which in my case would be our house, but with all the things we can't afford right away yet.

Food wise, we live very much week to week, and sometimes run out - not to danger levels, but definitely to discomfort levels. Literally in my fridge right now there are 4 eggs, various condiments, three sticks of butter, a pitcher of water, and a half gallon of pickles (don't ask.) Happily, my husband works for a fruit and produce distributor so we will never be in actual danger of starvation, but man, a girl just sometimes wants some meat!

Anywho, if I could spend as much money as I wanted at the grocery store, this is my fantasy pantry/fridge:

1 1/2 gallons whole milk for Little NUt

2 gallons lowfat milk for the rest of us

1/2 gallon 1/2 n 1/2 for coffee

2 pounds of butter

1/2 gallon of orange juice

3-4 different kind of salad dressing

A package each of the following shredded cheeses: mozzeralla, cheddar, mexican mix

2 lbs of sliced deli meats

1 lb sliced deli cheese

a small tub of ricotta cheese

small tub of cream cheese

Grape AND strawberry jelly

small tub olives (mmhhh, the salty, oily goodness....)

8-10 individual tubs yogurt

2 dozen eggs

string cheese

jar of salsa (but just one, suburbancorrespondent)

veggie bin: celery, fennel, peppers, salad fixins, carrots, garlic, potatoes, fresh ginger, fresh parsley, tomatoes, onions

fresh fruit (including all kinds of berries and cherries)

freezer: boneless skinless chicken breasts, chicken drumsticks, 3-4 lbs ground beef, 3-4 lbs sausage, a couple of steaks, a roast, pork ribs or chops, waffles, bagels, frozen berries, 2 cartons ice cream, bag of frozen fries, bag of chicken nuggets

pantry:

6 big canned crushed tomatoes

tube of tomato paste

6 cans diced tomatoes

6 cans various Campbell's soups

6-8 boxes of various pasta

3 cans corn

3 cans green beans

6-8 cans various beans

2 cans mushrooms

2 cans chipotle peppers

rice

big box of potato duds (my husband likes them better than homemade - I don't get it either)

6-8 cans of fruit packed in juice, including crushed pineapple

4 boxes Jello and/or pudding

2 kinds of whole grain crackers

6-8 loaves store bought bread (baking bread can be very overrated when its something you HAVE to do to have bread)

sandwich rolls

4 different kinds of boxed cereal

Some other kind of coffee except "Master CHef", you know, something that might taste good

bag of whole almonds

bag of chopped walnuts

2-3 bags chocolate chips

3-4 different kinds of dried fruit

Non-wal mart brand peanut butter

Baking stuff:

Any and all baking stuff including chocolate

Some people dream of winning the lotto - if I did, I'd go grocery shopping and then cook anything and everything my family wanted.

mmmmhhhhh......tomorrow is grocery shopping day. I can't wait!!!

(And the sad part is, I am not being sarcastic......:-) )

poop happens

2008-07-30T13:17:00.002-04:00

We had fun at vbs today.

They moved Big Nut up to the pre-K room - he's much bigger than all the nursery kids, and seemed a "little bored". Though not even three for another couple of weeks, the poor kid wears size boys 4, or sometimes 5T.

Big Nut is also apparently potty trained for everywhere EXCEPT church. After 2 weeks of poopy underwear (is this too much detail? If yes, you may want to skip the rest of this post, my three dear readers.), I put him back in pull-ups for church, and of course put him in pull ups for this week.

But sadly, a poop escaped the pull-up, unnoticed by all until (let's call her) poor Betty Lou stepped in it.

I think that's when the nursery staff decided that Big Nut's a little bored and sent him up to pre-K.

Of course, pre-K staff soon realized that one entire person needs to be assigned to Big Nut. And poor Little Nut is the youngest tot in the nursery and refuses to nap there, so oftentimes there is an entire person also assigned to him.

Yes, folks, its all about service. Two whole volunteers needed to free me up to "volunteer".

I wonder if they'll ask me to volunteer next year.

Confessions and soul baring

2008-07-28T06:45:00.004-04:00

All right - if I'm gonna bare my soul, I figure I'd better do it while I don't have too many readers (And y'all seem very supportive....this may scare you away, but what fun is a pseudonymous blog if you can't bare your soul?)

So, there was a question of where my nearly three year old son would be placed at VBS - in the nursery for 2 and under, or with the pre-K guys, 3 and 4 year olds. I mentioned to the director that I thought maybe the nursery would be better. Big Nut is not completely potty trained, he has a fairly severe speech issue, and he has a little bit of trouble with social skills sometimes. I (bravely, for me) mentioned to Director that Big Nut may be mildly autistic. It has taken me a long, long time to say this out loud to another person who is not "in the know" about Big Nut.

Director responds: "Oh, Grumpy, don't label your kids."

Um, what? (BTW, will tears harm a laptop?)

Big Nut's doctor first noticed a speech delay back when he was only a year old. No babbling, etc. At nearly two years old , when he had all of one word and still not much babbling, she referred him, with my permission, to our state's birth to three program. They evaluated him, did not find a severe enough speech delay for services there, but found he was in fact developmentally delayed in a couple of other areas, enough to qualify for services. I was not terribly concerned, because I'm a smart chick and I know that there is a wide, wide range at that age level, and figured that a teacher once a week wouldn't hurt and might help.

As the year went on, the teacher mentioned that though Big Nut didn't seem autistic, he had several red flags, a lot of little behaviors that are "on the spectrum". At the time, I was against having him evaluated for it because I didn't want my child "labeled", especially that young. The teacher mentioned that if she gave him the MCHAT (the screening test for autism spectrum disorders), he would fail. I decided to take a "wait and see" sort of approach: Big Nut's a very happy kid, he was improving in all areas, though overall falling further behind in speech.

So what if he had a little trouble with eye contact. (You know, I have trouble with eye contact myself sometimes.)

And what's really the big deal if he'd rather line up his crayons in neat little rows than scribble. Besides, sometimes he DOES like to color.

And you know, LOTS of kids aren't really that into toys. Of course he's not quite sure what to do with them - he's only two.

It's not that he doesn't WANT to greet other people, he just needs a little reminder.

Nothing's wrong - the arm shaking and wide open mouth is his way of showing he's excited.

What got me was an incident on the playground a few weeks ago. Big Nut loves other kids - when we're alone at the playground and another car pulls up, he yells "Kids!!!" and points his finger. I could see how excited he was - he really, really wanted to play with these kids. He went up to them really, really close, with his face about 4 inches from theirs, and just looked at them. Those kids backed away like Big Nut had the plague. I could see them looking at me with the question in their eyes, "What's wrong with him?"

This wasn't the first incident like this, but this was the one that opened my eyes. I started thinking about ll the little things I've been having to rationalize in my head about Big Nut's behavior - any one of which, or even any 2 of which, would raise no alarms. But taken all together, a picture is forming.

And here's the thing - before, labeling Big Nut would have no benefit - we were working on a lot of his "red flag" behaviors, and I was afraid that "labeling" him would MAKE him exhibit the "symptoms" - people often do live up to other's expectations. But, now? My son wants to play with other kids and have friends, and he doesn't know how. And I am afraid that in the very near future he is going to get hurt because of this.

I started reading about autism, after his pediatrician, his teacher, and my friend with an autistic son all mentioned that.."Um, Grumpy, it might be a possibility." Reading about the "symptoms" of autism was like reading a book about my son - it described Big Nut. And if these people writing about my son could describe him that well, then they might also know how to help him. And if "labeling" him autistic will help him, then label away....

I am not a confident parent. I have excelled in almost anything I have ever tried, from track and field, to school, to being an army medic, to being a teacher. I KNEW when I was doing those things that I was good at them. There were books to read about how to do those things, there were evaluations where I was often told, "Yes, Grumpy you are a very good medic/student/teacher/leader/whatever." I even knew what I had to do to get better. I can envision a good teacher, and emulate that vision. I read everything I could about how to be a good medic, and I had the qualities needed - knowledge, ability to stay calm, a "take charge" attitude.

I have a vision of what a good mom looks like, and I don't have those qualities. I am not naturally patient, "gentle" is not a word that has ever been used to describe me, and I really, really like having a plan to follow. I get quickly, extremely frustrated when there isn't a plan, or when things do not go according to plan. I am really like the anti-parent in those ways. And being a good mom is really one of the most important things God has entrusted me to be. I feel like it is also the thing I am least prepared for.

I didn't know that 2 year old should be doing pretend play, without being "taught". I didn't know kids will automatically greet loved ones from before the age of two. I am SOOO in over my head, and I fear my kids will pay the price. I watch the other moms at the playground, at church, in restaurants, and wish I could be like them. I read your blogs, and wish I could be more like you. Wish I knew how to be like that....

Not to say there is nothing I do well, or that i feel this way all the time, but......I wish I felt as confident as a parent as I did in the Big World. I wish it was my thing, the way I knew teaching was my thing. My kids deserve it.

Enter in Director's off hand comment, "Oh, Grumpy, don't label your kids."

And I am crushed.

Posted earlier Monday: (What was I thinking?!)

Where have I been, you are wondering? I have been preparing for VBS (vacation bible school). For some reason, I volunteered to help with arts and crafts. We will be doing a different arts and crafts project every day. "Mine" is not until Friday, but I am pretty sure I have the most prep...let's see...

700 homemade clay beads

700 square pieces of foamies to cut

120 round pieces of foamies to cut

700 lengths of fishing line to cut

120 stiff foam boards to cut

700 nicks to cut in above foam boards

120 lengths of gimp to cut and tie

Sorting all of the above into 120 "mobile kits" for the children to decorate and assemble on Friday

Another one of the arts and crafts moms stopped me in the hallway yesterday to say she had been "thinking about me." She mentioned she'd been up until 1 AM the night before cutting her 500 pieces of foam for her project. I told her to please pray for me.

More on goals for raising kids...

2008-07-23T18:14:00.002-04:00

Tiny man was okay - his allergies seem to acting up.

And actually, i did go back last night and finish the post, only to have "Blogger is unavailable now" . GGGrrrrrrr........

I was getting a little bit into the big, big goals for our kids, a little bit outside the practical sorts of goals. In my mind, practical goals are what they can do, and big, big goals involve who they are as people.

So again, kind and compassionate human beings, which for us as Christians would involve being strong and active followers of Christ. My husband and I were not raised as Christians really. I was raised as a nominal Catholic, and could not understand as a teenager the apathy I found in my church. It seemed as though everyone went to church on Sunday, and called it a good week. God was NEVER mentioned in our home. I (sort of) understood the basics, and could not understand why people weren't more excited about God if they really believed it true. (This is not a knock on Catholicism, by the way.....had my parents been more active Catholics, living their faith at home daily, I may not have looked elsewhere. Also not a knock on my parents - they loved us, we never doubted it, and they did the very best they could.)

I do want something different for my own kids, though. I want them to know God well, to be comfortable spontaneously praying about everything, and truly trusting Him. The main thing I want to teach them, or help teach them, is that God loves them as they are right now, more than any human being, including their mom and dad, is capable of loving them. And then that God loves every other human being on the planet the exact same way. I would hope that this knowledge would inform and influence them on how they treat others. In other words, love God with all your heart and soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.

I hope they are better at it than I am, as I fail several times a day to "love my neighbor as I love myself." But there it is.

2008-07-22T11:03:00.000-04:00

This post got me thinking about the goals we have for raising our kids. Like jugglinglife, one of my main priorities in raising our children is to make them self sufficient, which to me translates to being a "good housewife." You must know how to keep a house clean, how to manage your time, how to get decent nutritious meals on the table, to include menu planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up, etc.. Also how to mow a lawn, buy a house, do your laundry, manage paperwork, file taxes, make a bed, paint, change a tire, check the oil.

A big area all by itself is how to manage money, from making and sticking to a budget, to knowing about checking accounts, investments, credit cards - all of that.

Now that I'm married and raising my own two little guys, I am beginning to see how much I don't know. When I was younger, I really thought my parents HAD raised us to be very self-sufficient, and in many ways I was right. But many times, I think my parents either were (maybe) too lazy, didn't have the time, or it just didn't occur to them to teach us skills of self sufficiency. They would tell us, for instance, how credit cards worked ("You're basically borrowing money from a company, and you are paying them to have that money sooner"), but I never knew all the ramifications of using and misusing credit. I think with my own kids, I'd like them to have a credit card in high school, and sit down and make them calculate the interest, the payments, and all the long term consequences of using a credit card. I'd like to show them how to read through contracts, including the fine print.

Another example might be cooking. Again, when my sons are old enough (around 10, I am guessing), I'd like to show them how to plan a menu, go grocery shopping, and then cook and clean up a meal. Once they get that down, they get to plan it or the week, using our family's budget.

A lot of the things I wish I had learned how to do as a kid would take time for a parent to teach. My parents, looking back, did not often have that time. My mom and dad both worked all day, and wanted to relax when they were not working. We had chores, of course, but not a lot of accountability with them. We were responsible for doing our homework, but there were no consequences for not doing it or bringing home poor grades. I'd like my kids to be responsible for doing their own homework, and I will not hound them, or, like jugglinglife, even ask if they have any. But you can bet there will be consequences if your teacher reports you are not turning in your homework, or you bring home a bad report card.

Above is a little bit of my practical parenting goals. The big, big goal is, of course, raising decent and compasionate human beings. Since I am, in fact, a Christian, this would involve my children growing up to be strong and faithful followers of Christ.

(More later - tiny man is sobbing in his crib, which is not like him at all....)

The Python Story

2008-07-21T21:01:00.001-04:00

I can see already that this blog will be a black hole in which (to which?) all of my time is sucked.

Anyhow, suburbancorrespodent linked her latest post to this python story which reminded me of my own python story.

When I was but a young, naive newlywed, I did not object when my darling husband decided to get a couple of snakes as pets. (What can I say? He's (was) an animal lover.) One a nice baby corn snake, the other a lovely six foot long ball python. For those that don't know, snakes eat live rodents. So every month or so my DH the animal lover would mosey on down to the pet store, pick out a cute little furry mouse and a somewhat less cute furry little beady eyed rat. He'd bring these little pets home and then with no compassion whatsoever, feed the little guys to his snakes. They'd quickly kill the rodents and then swallow them whole. (DH the animal lov.......er, snake lover, seemed to derive particular pleasure from watching the rodent-shaped bulges travel through the snakes' bodies.)

One fine month, after picking out a particularly delectable, and rather large rat for his python, the snake would not, or could not, kill the rat. The rat fought back!! (Normally, they'd just quiver in a corner until the snake caught them.) After fighting on and off for over an hour, they both just went to opposite corners of the cage and eyed each other warily. DH left them there, figuring eventually the snake would kill the rat and all would be well.

Well, three days and one bloody snake later, DH removed the rat, put him in a spare cage, and wondered what to do. At the time, DH worked an overnight shift, and so would come home, check on his rat and snakes, shower and come to bed.

One night, shortly after separating the two of them, he awoke me at 2 am, excitement quivering in his voice.

"Honey! Honey!"

Me: "MMrrffff?"

DH: "I figured out why the snake wouldn't kill the eat! Why the rat fought back!!!"

(The man could barely contain himself, he was so excited. At 2 AM. About a snake. And a rat.)

Me: "Mmmrrfff......wha?"

DH (Triumphantly): "She was pregnant!!!"

Yes, folks, the man woke me at 2 am to tell me (happily! excitedly!) that instead of 2 snakes and a rat in the house, we were now the proud parents of 2 snakes and FIFTEEN!!! rats!

We will (unbelievably, I know) celebrate our sixth anniversary next month.

Because.

We do not own any rats.

Or snakes.

Anymore.

And now you know why I am the GRUMPY Momma.

This Blog's Purpose

2008-07-21T20:40:00.000-04:00

This blog has been created for the sole purpose of participating in suburbancorrespondent's bloggy book give away. I am broke, and I like to read, and I like getting stuff in the mail, and so I need a blog in which to comment on the book should I be the very lucky winner of this week's bloggy give away.

And now I will attempt to publish this, and go sign up for the random drawing, and figure out how to create a link to suburbancorrespondent's blog, and to Sue's blog, too, cause she's really funny.

Not that I voted for her, Suburban Correspondent! YOU are the ImperfectBlogger, SuburbanCorrespondent! (Please don't disqualify me!!!)

But, Sue, if by some miracle you are reading this, I really DID vote for you. And Suburbancorrespondent. And you.

I couldn't decide.

(Please don't tell SuburbanCorrespondent.)